Friday, January 30, 2015

In Between

Sitting here at the park observing the new moms with their strollers and young chapped-cheeked toddlers; I feel a sense of not belonging. 
I'm in a new club. 
A club with older children. 
I don't need to bring the diaper bag or small finger food snacks...I can just up and go and not have a whole entourage of things to pack. 
This is a good thing. 
Though I miss the giggles and chubby fingers grasping onto the swing chains. I don't miss the constant chasing of running steps and frequent bathroom trips. 
I'm in a new chapter. 
My kids don't need me to follow their every step and coddle them as they climb the slide. I can sit on the bench and read a book and watch them from afar.  
This is nice also. 
But I do miss those old days too. 
My kids need more challenging aparatuses, spider webs, high slides and climbing walls. The days of small swings, teeter totters and rocking horses are over. 
My preteen sits beside me because he feels he's too old for the park. There are so many little ones and he's scared to topple them over. He brings his soccer ball. 
All he wants to do is kick the ball. 
Parks are different for us now. It's not that simple anymore. 
I'm in between. 

Tuesday, January 6, 2015


Life is a funny thing...sometimes it can be  great, exciting and oh so good. But alas, there are times when it is hard and sorrowful and full of grief. 
Today, I experienced the latter. 
My dear Nonna passed away early this morning. We somehwhat expected it, but it struck us with intensity just the same. 
It's difficult to be grateful for a life fully lived at the ripe old age of 89 (90 in March)
and at the same time, stricken with sadness and emptiness at this great loss.
The memories that flood my mind as I sat on her bed today and looked through her things are overwhelming.  
She liked to keep stuff; I think that's where I get it from.  Keepsakes that have a story to tell, whether it be a chain of pearls, a rosary, a picture or a letter. So much rich history to relive and rejoice in. 
Learning more about the woman she was and things that mattered to her. It's all so beautiful yet bittersweet. 
I'm inundated with thoughts of, "did I do enough," "did she know how I felt about her," "did I ask her all the questions I needed to know." I guess I have to be accepting of what is. I cannot change anything. 
It's interesting that the things I will miss the most are the ordinary stuff. Calling her up and just saying hi a couple times a week. Picking her up to go to my Dad's for Sunday dinner. Her giving my kids a candy from her purse. Knowing that she's home watching the Canucks in the livingroom. These are the ordinary moments I will miss. 
I remember being a little girl and thinking how sad I was going to be if something ever happened to my Nonna and Nonno. And here I am at 37 yrs old, still in disbelief that they are both gone now. A chapter has closed. Life seems a little bit different today. 
It's not the same. 
Sometimes I cry so hard my eyes hurt, and then there times I am solemn and reflective and still. I suppose this is normal. It's walking through the grief and pain knowing I'll be happy again; I will feel joy once more. 
But it's oh so hard right now. 
I just want a little piece of her so I don't forget. A smell, a touch, a voice. 
I don't ever want to forget. 
Today is a sad day. 
I will miss her smile, her cooking, her quietness, her humour, her stubbornness. 
I will miss her. 
When I sleep tonight, I will dream that she is reunited with her true love. Together they will be dancing and laughing. 
I need to hold on to this during my periods of anguish. 
This is life. It's wearisome, tough and demanding, but oh so magnificent. 
Good-bye sweet Nonna. You'll be in my heart forever. 
Love your granddaughter,

Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Forza! Keeping Hope

It's been a very emotional time in our family's life. Our dear Nonna has been very ill and is in the hospital. She is experiencing liver and kidney failure. 
A few days ago she was unresponsive and we thought this was it, we even had our priest come in and give her the Sacrament of the Annointing of the Sick. But alas, she has come back to us and is becoming more aware and responsive. We know medically this is because her ammonia levels have decreased but we are experiencing little miracles everyday. 
She has shown us such strength and courage. I've never met someone stronger than her. She even has a smile on her face amidst her situation. 
I know our prayers are working and she is surrounded by love which in itself works far better than medicine ever will. 
She has taught me so much, especially to never give up hope!
I was forwarded a Novena by some dear friends and tonight I will start it. 
It is a Novena for the Sick to St. JosemarĂ­a Escrivá. 
I know that in all things God works for the good!  He is watching over my Nonna and is in control of her soul. 
Praying for you always Nonna!

Monday, December 22, 2014

Why Am I Not Feeling Christmassy?

I don't know what it is, but I'm just not feeling it this year. I'm not quite sure what I'm supposed to be feeling, but whatever it's not resonating within me. 
It could be that everyone in our household is either coughing or sneezing or sniffling. 
It could be that my grandmother is sick and in the hospital and won't be coming home for Christmas. 
It could also be that I haven't gone to church in a few weeks and/or confession for a couple months and I'm feeling intense guilt. 
I'm feeling a real disconnect. 
Am I searching for something that isn't obtained externally but rather internally?
My shopping is nearly done but my heart is just not into it. 
I've got the tree decorated, the house lit, the cards sent and the nativity scene presented, but there is a longing for something more. 
I'm just not sure what.
I want to feel Jesus closer to my heart at this time of the year, but I feel like I'm failing. 
I need to dig deeper. 
I must retreat within. 
I have to realease. 
With much love and faith, I hope to recieve Him and bear witness to the true meaning of Christmas. 

Thursday, December 4, 2014

Much Happening

It's been way too long since I've written a post. Much happens here day to day and I get so tired by evening to even think straight to write a post. 
But here's what's happening in our humble abode:
The kids are working hard getting ready for their piano/voice recital coming up this weekend. Juliano and Emily are doing a duo together of Jolly Old Saint Nick.  It's so precious. 
We've been trying to incorporate some advent traditions such as: lighting our advent candle each night, going to confession, and adding "straw" into our manger. We have also been saying the Rosary more often. 
It's the little things that make this time of year so special. 
Next week will be jam packed with shopping, parties and Christmas prep. 
For now, I will savour the stillness. 

Sunday, November 2, 2014

All Souls' Day

We solemnly pray for all those who have faithfully departed before us, in particular:
Nonno Danilo
Zia Daniela
Big Nonno
Nonno Briglio
Zio Alfredo
Baby Josephine

May they be at peace with our Lord!

   Praying the family rosary together and    offering it up for our departed loved ones.